She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
