If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
