So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I intend to get homeless drunk
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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