they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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