Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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