eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
BRING THE BAGELS
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Randomize
