I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
