Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
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