what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
