Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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