Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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