I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Randomize
