Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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