That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
