Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
