Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
