If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
