o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
