Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
