I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
And then my night got REAL pukey
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
