that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
