I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
