Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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