Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
