Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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