he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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