YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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