There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
