My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
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