that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
