My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
