That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
