just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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