All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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