my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
