how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
