My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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