Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
last night I used snow as a chaser
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