I hope my margaritas pass through security.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
