your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
