Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
