not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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