for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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