Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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