So drunk its hurt
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
