If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
