The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
