I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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