Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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