Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
that is very illegal...i love you.
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